Decisions.

The river. That river out there is peaceful, it flows on down in between the boulevards, and out into the wilderness. Even the trains that flow by seem peaceful from up here, at least until I hear them at six in the morning, and the sun is ricocheting off the blinds. Then I wake up, and there it is, here I am. Portland. Far removed. Removed from the Windy City of my birth. Removed from the dirty towns and go-betweens of my New Jersey youth. Removed from the escapades of excess in the soul drenching Arizona sun. Removed from the many states and countries I've frequented. Removed from the love I've once known. Here I am, at the foot of the avalanche. All these things far away, still seem to reach out to me, but I'm un-reachable here. So here I am, in limbo. Not sure of the next step. Mid-phase. Do I go back to Arizonian excess? Do I go back to shady Jerseyian pitfalls? Do I go into the wild? Do I go into something unknown here? Do I just go? I want to tell a story, but I have no story to tell. The same old stories could be told. They are abound, and they are abundant. Freshness; where is the fucking freshness? There's a new boat in the harbor, there's new boxcars rolling into the freightyard. I could always stow away, and just go away. Experience something raw, visceral, and true; no substances needed. I could just tread off into the unknown with just my rucksack and my boots. Nothing realer than nature. Alternatively, I could just dive back into my chemical bath I towled off from a little over a year ago. Drowning in booze, smothered in smoke, completely open and free, yet completely hollow. No dull care, no remorse. People are objects, feelings are meaningless, and everything is funny. No responsibilty, easy women, constant inebriation, 24 hour party people. Also, I could just plainly give up. Go back to New Jersey. Live a simple life. Maybe finish school. Be close to family. Do what they want me to do. Submit. Or, something new. Stay here. Work the full-time gig. Stand on my own two feet. Not fuck up. Treat people like they're supposedly supposed to be treated. Hope for a stable future. Avoid the police. Square it all away. Eat square meals. Be square. But... why not do it all? I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. Over and out.