Decisions.

The river. That river out there is peaceful, it flows on down in between the boulevards, and out into the wilderness. Even the trains that flow by seem peaceful from up here, at least until I hear them at six in the morning, and the sun is ricocheting off the blinds. Then I wake up, and there it is, here I am. Portland. Far removed. Removed from the Windy City of my birth. Removed from the dirty towns and go-betweens of my New Jersey youth. Removed from the escapades of excess in the soul drenching Arizona sun. Removed from the many states and countries I've frequented. Removed from the love I've once known. Here I am, at the foot of the avalanche. All these things far away, still seem to reach out to me, but I'm un-reachable here. So here I am, in limbo. Not sure of the next step. Mid-phase. Do I go back to Arizonian excess? Do I go back to shady Jerseyian pitfalls? Do I go into the wild? Do I go into something unknown here? Do I just go? I want to tell a story, but I have no story to tell. The same old stories could be told. They are abound, and they are abundant. Freshness; where is the fucking freshness? There's a new boat in the harbor, there's new boxcars rolling into the freightyard. I could always stow away, and just go away. Experience something raw, visceral, and true; no substances needed. I could just tread off into the unknown with just my rucksack and my boots. Nothing realer than nature. Alternatively, I could just dive back into my chemical bath I towled off from a little over a year ago. Drowning in booze, smothered in smoke, completely open and free, yet completely hollow. No dull care, no remorse. People are objects, feelings are meaningless, and everything is funny. No responsibilty, easy women, constant inebriation, 24 hour party people. Also, I could just plainly give up. Go back to New Jersey. Live a simple life. Maybe finish school. Be close to family. Do what they want me to do. Submit. Or, something new. Stay here. Work the full-time gig. Stand on my own two feet. Not fuck up. Treat people like they're supposedly supposed to be treated. Hope for a stable future. Avoid the police. Square it all away. Eat square meals. Be square. But... why not do it all? I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. Over and out.

I Am Trying.

I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let you stay?

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's part ways just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it was okay?

I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when I said good night?

I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?

I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?

I am trying to let you go
I am trying to let you go
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to let you go

Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

leaves you
I'm the man who leaves you

Completely Arrested.

Arrested last week. Almost arrested again last night. This is becoming a burden. Is it me? Is it my girlfriend? Is it Portland? I don't exactly know the answer to that, but I should figure it out. Life is becoming more difficult than it needs to be. I'm stuck in my apartment right with no phone and no apartment keys. I can't leave and I can't call anyone. This sucks. My thumb was sliced deep at work last week, and my middle and ring fingers were smashed in a door last night, so i'm done typing for now.