A Dream.

So I am at a bar that is supposed to be Jacks but looks different. I am wearing some very hoody clothes that I used to wear when I was a DxM angel. I think Bruce was there and Kelly too, others were there but I cannot remember whom. Now what was different about this place is that it had an extensive series of backrooms. Now I walked to the back and saw Christine and Ducky in the VIP, I went in but did not talk to them. Much more happened here but I cannot remember it. Now I walk back through these rooms to the front run into a bouncer in one of the rooms who says they are closing and I step over his dinner to get out while he is watching TV. I return to the front where that Kelly girl is all over me and wants me to fuck her after we leave. Bruce and I get in the car, start driving, and all of a sudden are in some backwoods locale, we come to a stop at some crossroads next to some general store where some girl is sitting outside at three in the morning. She starts talking some shit to us and a fight ensues but we get out of there. when morning comes I’m arriving at some shack on the beach to do a drug deal I believe I’m with Matty, we enter the shack and its a setup the guys a cop we're fucked the guy is fucking with us though taunting us about our jail time and not arresting us right away. As he backs up to this opening in the back of the shack, Guy comes in through the window and slashes his throat open. For a moment we are all relieved because we're no longer getting arrested, but 10 seconds later we are surrounded by cops and there is no where to go but to prison. Guy and I are sent to some prison in the northern area of the country. Where we meet these two people who show us an escape tunnel with a waterway in it we go one way but see the Jagermeifer symbol and we know that way is Canada so we go the other way, the other way was a laser death trap so we ended up escaping into Canada. When we came up out of the tunnel we were in the Montreal airport, I noticed I had 10,000 dollars that I had stolen earlier but forgot where I stole it. When we got in Guy went the other way I did not see him again. I got on the elevator and went to the lobby. I step out onto the streets of Montreal and I start walking, looking for somewhere to get a drink and some food, as I walk down I see Pam behind the counter at some kind of bakery. I go in and talk to her she said she was up there going to college, I did not tell her why I was there. She tells her friend to tell me what they serve, she goes through the list and for the final item she leans up and softly whispers in my ear “and a soft white fluffy pillow at my place" and kisses my ear. I tell her I will come by when she gets out of work. I hang out a little longer and have some snacks. So now, I have got 10 grand, escaped from prison and the country, and got somewhere to stay with a sweet French Canadian piece of ass.

Flashback '97

September 14, 1997

Yo, was'up. I got arrested a couple of weeks ago for criminal mischief, burglary, and a bunch of other charges. Just last week i found out who the rat was (they will die). Well, that's enough of that bullshit. I was on the phone with Michele a few nights ago and she wants to fuck me. I know this because she told me, her exact words were "I want to fuck you." I'll take care of that within the week. By the way, I threw a crazy party here in July while my parents were at the beach. I met some girl at the party, later on I brought her up to my room, she sucked my dick, and I fucked her.


October 14, 1997

Welly, welly, well. Guess what I did a couple weeks ago... I fucked Michele. Her mother went to work and I tapped that ass until 1:30 am. Regardless, I have two pet peeves about this girl:

1) She won't suck my dick.
2) She won't take off her bra (don't ask)

I fuckin hate this shit, I can't take it. I found myself about to ask this other bitch for the digits last night. This past two weeks has been good. First, I bust a nut, then I went to Margaret's party, went to a club till 2:30 am, then I got drunk two nights in a row with Russ, Marty, Amanda, and Lauren. I gots to go, but I hope to write again soon and say Michele gave me head. Until then...


October 21, 1997

Guess what? I just dumped Michele. I figure I've fucked her as much as I need to, so it's time to move on. Anyway, I got some big titty girl waitin for the beef, so it's not like I'm missing out on bustin a nut for a while. Well, that's that. I'm going to the Stone Pony on Saturday to see this phat band. Harris is having an after party and I intend to get wasted.

Under My Thumb.

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around

Its down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
Shes under my thumb

Aint it the truth babe?

Under my thumb
The squirmin dog whos just had her day
Under my thumb
A girl who has just changed her ways

Its down to me, yes it is
The way she does just what shes told
Down to me, the change has come
Shes under my thumb
Ah, ah, say its alright

Under my thumb
A siamese cat of a girl
Under my thumb
Shes the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world

Its down to me
The way she talks when shes spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
Shes under my thumb
Ah, take it easy babe
Yeah

Its down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when shes spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
Shes under my thumb
Yeah, it feels alright

Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well i
I can still look at someone else

Its down to me, oh thats what I said
The way she talks when shes spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
Shes under my thumb
Say, its alright.

Say its all...
Say its all...

Take it easy babe
Take it easy babe
Feels alright
Take it, take it easy babe

Flashback '98

January 3, 1998

i haven't written in this thing in a while just cause all I've been doing is getting fucked up at parties and all types of ill shit. Also, because all this journal is really about is bitches and money. Well, let's get to the fucking point of why I'm writing this entry. A few days ago on one of my crusades to get fucked up I met this girl Nikki. She gave me a ride home, and that was the last i thought I'd ever see of her. Well, New Year's Eve I decided I would drink at Sabo's, even though I wanted to go to the Homegrown's. Well, she was there, and ya know, I was jus chillin, gettin my drink on, and Sabo tells me she wants to get wit me. So, i just say "whatever". Well, the whole fuckin night everyone is telling me to get wit this girl, but I decided not to and that was that. Now the next day she calls me herself and says "Do you wanna hang out with all of us tonight?" So I say "Well, I got some shit I gotta do till 9, then I'll beep Bill and we'll chill." So what I did was dick her over to drink beer with Scott, Bruce, and Susan. Tonight I went down to the Exxon station to chill with Dan and Bill, then she shows up and she's on me like white on rice. By the time we leave the gas station, I'm thinkin she's a nice girl, and I drive down to the pool hall wit her. Now we get down to the pool hall, and she's lickin my neck, blowin in my ear, rubbin me, kissin me, huggin me, and all that shit. She's tellin everyone to tell me that she wants to fuck me. I wasn't in the mood, so I just said tommorow night I'll fuck her rotten. Well, tommorow night is tonight, because it's 6 in the fuckin morning; aren't I the insomniac. Ya know, everytime I see the girl I like her more and more. This is a possible girlfriend, I think i want more than a fuck this time, because I really like being with her. Well, I'm sure I'll know all about this tonight. I'll report back within 24 hours. Peace.


January 4, 1998

Late last night i made a phone call to Nikki, because I didn't hang out with her last night because Billy told her i wanted to hang out with Bruce instead. So I was pissed at Billy for that, because last night sucked, all we did was sit in Bruce's driveway and drink. I was pissed because I wasn't doing what I wanted to last night. I also could've went to the city late last night with Bruce, Billy, and these four other girls, but I decided to go home and call Nikki instead. We talked for about an hour and she said she'd call me again tonight and that she wanted to hang out with again tommorow. Well, I guess I'll write back then.


March 1, 1998

I haven't written in such a long time because I lost this damn thing. Well, I started going out with Nikki Jan. 10 and then dumped her Jan. 20. Then on Feb. 5 we fucked and started going out again on Feb. 13. Last week she came over at 6:00 am before school and I fucked her while she left on her Catholic school girl outfit, it was cool as hell. We've been fucking like crazy. I just fucked her like an hour ago. I saw Michele tonight; I've been thinking about her lately. Me and the boys were supposed to get a stripper tonight, but we didn't have enough loot. I've been hangin out with the SJV crew lately and we've been gettin into fights and goin to Hooters and shit like that, they're some funny muthafuckas. I'm going to sleep...


March 8, 1998

Wasup. I dumped Nikki a few days ago. I just don't like her as much as I used to, and I've fucked her enough too. Last night I got trashed, it was great. Bruce is going out with Pam now, she's cool, I like her. I hung out with the SJC tonight. I gotta go. Bye.

Fucked.

sex, chronic, fire, Snapple, Bruce Lee, Hot Pockets, Jenna Jameson, Super Streetfighter 2, LSD, masturbation, bodegas, muscle cars, Fabric, Ecko, raves, pancakes, spirit of ’99, rap, mom, dad, television, Cobain, Volcom, dyed spikey hair, dick piercing, pitbulls, bombing, hippies, hookers, oi, NIN, riots, life, death, guns, the Beasties, bongs, shotgunning, slamming, Black Sabbath, Sid Vicious, Hustler, threats, blunts, A Clockwork Orange, Holmes, skunk, Buds, buds, Manga, Wire, tacos, drag racing, Bubba, strawberry Slurpees, vibrators, nurses, lace underwear, 40 ozs, drive-bys, Deep, Glocks, bondage, fishsticks, hate, Fuct, anarchy, Barney, the Anti-Christ, Rancid, Situationism, Hillary Clinton, Cypress, Frigidares, Repo Man, subways, switchstance, mushrooms, free love, DxM, world domination, toys, and skateboards.
We are
fucked.

Grievances.

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball sub and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,) the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,
Your biggest fan & Best friend,

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

A Rogue Night

I had just returned from New York. My apartment was hot and stagnant, littered with the remains of a party I had thrown a few hours before I left ten days earlier. Was I going to clean it up? No. I had just endured a shitty flight, during which, I was very drunk, and vomited during the descent. What I needed was sleep, and I was going to get it. I spent the rest of the day sleeping on the couch, tossing and turning, while half-heartedly watching television.

I come to when the sun is setting, and remember I was supposed to go to the Rogue that night. I shower. After which, I drink several vodka and tonics. Closer to nine now, Dan comes over. He says he wants to come, so he begins to take several iced-down double shots of vodka. He then goes over to King Tut’s, and I tell him I’ll call him when our ride arrives. In a short while, Liz calls to let me know that her and Julie are on their way. I call Dan; he walks back over. On the way, we listen to Bloc Party, while Dan and I laugh giddily in the backseat; we drank about eight shots of vodka apiece. We park the car down the street and walk on in. Once inside, I spot Rikki right off, he’s drinking at the bar right near the door. I slap him on the back of the head, and pull up the stool right next to him. The girls get a couple of light drinks, while Dan and I proceed to pound bourbon and Cokes. The liquor takes hold, and we start to get a little more rowdy at the bar. ‘Cherry Cola’ comes on, which prompts Rikki to hit me in the arm a few times, and then bust out a few random lines of verse; he repeats this several times over the course of the song, Dan and I are slapping each other around as well. Then Dan kicks it into overdrive; he begins to order several full size bourbon and cokes, and then slam them like shots; big mistake. After this, he pulls Julie on stage to dance. Up on stage Dan begins to go through the gyrations of a drunken soul, and Julie is baffled. Back at the bar, Liz and I are pointing and laughing, especially at the point where Dan starts all-out humping her on stage. It was then that we decided to go up there and run interference. Liz grabs Julie and starts to dance. While Dan and I start pushing each other around, and falling in our drunkenness. After a couple of minutes, we sauntered back down to the bar for more drinks. I walk around, and bump into Rikki again; we talk for a few minutes. He offers me some blow; I decline. He gets on me again about how I need to be the lead singer of his band; I tell him to call me later in the week. I walk back over to Liz and Julie; by now, Dan has disappeared, he was last seen dancing with a random girl on stage. For about another hour, we have more drinks, Julie and I flirt a bit, then we walk outside, getting ready to leave. I call Dan; no answer. Julie and I start to make out in the parking lot; Liz says she doesn’t mind. Just when we are about to leave, Dan resurfaces. We all pile back in the car, and head to my place. Dan is completely wasted next to me in the backseat, unable to keep his head up. We ride back in silence. Liz drops us off and says she is going to her friend Chastity’s place. We climb the stairs to my place, and Dan stays outside on the steps, unable to function in his drunkenness. Julie and I begin to fool around on the couch. After about ten minutes of this, her phone rings, and I stupidly suggest that she answers it while I go to check on Dan. He’s still out there, head between knees. When I come back in, Julie tells me that Liz called up one of her friends, who in turn called her, and said that Liz was very upset about Julie and I hooking up. Then she tells me that she can’t do this with me, because of her allegiance to Liz. She walks out and over to the curb near the entrance to my place. I follow and ask her how long she has to wait for her ride. “Half an hour.” I tell her “Don’t be silly, come back in and wait.” She does. Once inside, I persuade her to fool around a little more, but because of that phone call, it doesn’t go that far. When her ride shows up, I walk her out, and discover that Dan, along with his car, has disappeared. After Julie leaves, I go on a search for Dan. I check Tut’s; no dice. I go over to Campus Pointe and check Bill’s; no dice. I call him a couple times; no dice. The guy really shouldn’t be driving around that drunk, especially when he already has a DUI, but what can I do. Back at my place, I make some greasy food, watch some videos, and sleep.

The next day Dan calls me up around noon. “What happened last night?” “What do you remember?” “The last thing I remember is dancing on stage with you guys at the Rogue. Then I woke up today in my bed, with an unknown white residue all over my clothes.” “Oh shit son. Well, I saw you dancing around with some random, then you disappeared for an hour. Then we drove back to my place, where you sat on the steps absolutely annihilated. Then you took your car and disappeared again… Way to drive while in a blackout buddy.” “Fuck. That’s no good.”

Women.

I thought about breakups, how difficult they were, but then usually it was only after you broke up with one woman that you met another. I had to taste women in order to really know them, to get inside of them. I could invent men in my mind because I was one, but women, for me, were almost impossible to fictionalize without first knowing them. So I explored them as best I could and found human beings inside. The writing would be forgotten. The writing would become much less than the episode itself until the episode ended. The writing was only the residue. A man didn't have to have a woman in order to feel as real as he could feel, but it was good if he knew a few. Then when the affair went wrong he'd feel what it was like to be truly lonely and crazed, and thus know what he must face, finally, when his own end came.

I was sentimental about many things: a women's shoes under the bed; one hairpin left behind on the dresser; the way they said "I'm going to pee. . ."; hair ribbons; walking down the boulevard with them at 1:30 in the afternoon, just two people walking together; the long nights of drinking and smoking, talking, the arguments; thinking of suicide; eating together and feeling good; the jokes, the laughter out of nowhere; feeling miracles in the air; being in a parked car together; comparing past loves at 3 AM; being told you snore, hearing them snore; mothers, daughters, sons, cats, dogs; sometimes death and sometimes divorce, but always carrying on, always seeing it through; reading a newspaper alone in a sandwich joint and feeling nausea because she's now married to a dentist with an I.Q. of 95; racetracks, parks, park picnics; even jails; her dull friends, your dull friends; your drinking, her dancing; your flirting, her flirting; her pills, your fucking on the side, and her doing the same; sleeping together. . . .

There were no judgements to be made, yet out of necessity one had to select. Beyond good and evil was all right in theory, but to go on living one had to select: some were kinder than others, some were simply more interested in you, and sometimes the outwardly beautiful and inwardly cold were necessary, just for bloody, shitty kicks, like a bloody, shitty movie. The kinder ones fucked better, really, and after you were around them a while they seemed beautiful because they were.

Ramble...

When I look into your eyes
I see death
And I know that nothing is left
People change and so do actions
Things happen
Thoughts are left behind
Must be forward looking
Dwelling on the past is dwelling in hell
Useless time spent uselessly
Let’s just blow it out
Bomb the system
While we inherit the children

Prohibited....

Thursday. Prohibited.

Friday. I drank all day. I stopped by Stupid's to have a drink with Natalie for her birthday. Tim and I came back to Apache. I napped. Dan woke me quickly, and we were at Chasers before I was fully awake. We drink here. We listen to four bands. We leave. I sleep.

Saturday. Dan comes in to wake me up. We're going to the river. We buy liquor. We buy produce. We get gear. We pick up Tara and the tubes. At the river, we inflate the tubes while I drink beer. We scam free rides on the bus. Free day at the river. We tube. We drink. We hit rapids. We each lose one shoe. We drink. We tube. We leave.... Prohibited.

Sunday. Prohibited.

Monday. Prohibited.

Someday. A delayed post...

Take Warning

So, I've been back in town since the twentieth, and much has happened. I've partied almost every day since then, and now school has started. So, I imagine the partying will slow down a bit, but not too much, which leads me to believe that the posts will slow down a bit as well. As far as a post about the previous ten days, I can sum it up in two words...

No comment.

Sorry folks, but that's just the way it's got to be. It's been one of those times where I'd have to omit at least eighty percent of it, so it's just not worth it; it just wouldn't do it justice. There's too many people I know who read this thing for me to do such a post, it just wouldn't be prudent. However, I've figured out a way to get it out there; delayed posting. So, I've written the post. But, I'm not going to post it until the time is right. Could be two weeks, could be a month, could be three months. Who knows? Wait and see. Hopefully this next week won't be similar to the last ten days, and I'll get something up there very soon. Until then, deal with my random nonsense posts, and if you like the grime posts, one of those should be around shortly.

Now, on a more serious note.....