Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Hazards of Love 2 (Wager All)


And here I am
Softer than a shower
And here I am
To garland you with flowers

To lay you down
In clover bed
The stars a roof
Above our heads

And all my life
I never felt the tremor
And all my life
That now disturbs my fingers

I lay you down
In clover bed
The stars a roof
Above our heads

And we'll lie 'til the
Corn Crake crows
Bereft of the weight
of our summer clothes
And I'd wager all

The hazards of love
The hazards of love

And take my hand
And cradle it in your hand
And take my hand
To feel the pull of quicksand

I lay you down
In clover bed
The stars a roof
Above our heads

And we'll lie 'til the
Corn Crake crows
Bereft of the weight
of our summer clothes
And I'd wager all

The hazards of love
The hazards of love
The hazards of love
The hazards of love

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Settling In


When we woke up that morning the room was freezing. We had clung to each other for the majority of the night trying to steal our warmth. As the sun was poking through the unsealable window slats we could see our breath in the air. After we were sure we were awake, Michele decided to call Gomez. She told him of her brilliant plan for us to all go to into West Hollywood so he could buy long johns for his trip to New Mexico, and how I could buy groceries. We get dressed and Gomez arrives at our place in Silverlake shortly after. We drive down Sunset listening to a Mitch Hedburg tape and then pull into the Target parking garage off La Brea. Gomez and I wander around looking for child size long johns, while Michele disappears to shoplift whatever she can. When he found his long johns, and she had come up on a good amount of free merchandise, we went to Ralph's for groceries. I took my usual time, perusing each aisle as I like to do; found the cheapest buys for the week and we were off. Later we found ourselves in Gomez's place at Hollywood and Highland after we dropped off the groceries in Silverlake. While there; Michele cooks us food, we go online, drink beer, and smoke cigarettes. When Gomez's skin tight pant wearing friend shows up I go outside to call my mother and lie about how I'm in Arizona. Gomez and his friend leave for the airport, and I tell him I'll take good care of Michele. We then walk east on Hollywood so Michele can go to work at Bed Behavior. Here we part ways, and I take the Metro back to Silverlake. I went back to the apartment and spent the next few hours drinking, cooking, going online, and killing time. Later I met Michele at work a little before closing. During the night we went to a few bars, but nothing really seems to stick in my mind. Back at her place we drink more into the late hours. We talk of idealistic things; she writes a word I say that she likes on her wall; we listen to nostalgic music. At some point she handcuffs me to the bed and starts to go down on me. This was the first blow job I'd had in three months. A little while after she starts fucking me the handcuffs come off. I had finally gotten out of the six month New Jersey sentence. I was back west, and now I knew it.

something is wrong...

time to run...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Hazards of Love


Have you ever seen someone turn on a dime? Because I can show you how it's done. Point being, sometimes I don't like this. I can see the regression. I can see what this does to me. And what it is; is just showing me that it's impossible for me to care about anything when I care about someone. That's just my fucked up process. I've seen it happen before. The drinks get stronger; I get meaner. At least now I can see it coming. It seems sad at a time when it appears I can only be happy or nice when I don't give a fuck about anyone. To only care about one and hate all, or be a prince to all and care about none; oh, what an interesting choice. And I try to make a conscious effort to remedy this handicap; I try to meet the balance at least, if anything. No dice. It would be nice to know what it is. Is it the lack of balancing good feeling? As in I throw everything nice at the one I love and say fuck you to everyone else. Is it knowing that I now have someone I genuinely care about so that now I don't need to pretend I like the others anymore? Not sure. I am sure I have a problem though. I'm also sure I know how to fix it too as well; doesn't mean I don't hate the fucking answer as well.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

A Locked Down Analytic


I'm not loving you the way I wanted to. When you keep your love locked down, you lose. It seems we're just wasting time waiting for the finish line. This finish line is not finite though; I feel I'm the only one who knows this. And it really seems like this is all up to me to decide where this all goes. When you say there's only three months left, do you mean it? Do you really? No. Anything can happen in this world; especially in mine. I can change doctrines on a daily basis. Been know to; still can. So what we have here is three decisions. Stay here, go off on the faraway trip, or go off on the faraway life. When I try to assemble lists of pros and cons I get fucked off. The decisions are too difficult. I've always been known to fit it all into the pros section while exercising all options, and I do not see why this dilemma should be treated any different. So it would appear that this is what I need to contemplate in these final fruitful days. But disappear here is still calling loudly. So I will disappear, but only for a fortnight; because this electric renaissance coursing through my veins has been tearing me apart in only a matter of hours. And then after this so-called disappearance I will know the answers to all of these questions; then my mind will be at peace.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Disappear Here


As we prepare to get on the 405 freeway at dusk something is amiss; I just know it. She tells me that nowadays people are afraid to merge onto the freeway. I always say just go. Once in the death gridlock I see the billboard; DISAPPEAR HERE. It all just seems so right within that moment. My veins are charged; electric. I know that feeling. I know what it means; it means it's time to go. It's time to get the fuck out. First just to get past the endless traffic jam only to see the bloody corpses on the pavement, but after that you still need to keep going. I know this really means for Bobby to disappear here. When I go, it will all go with me. I've left this void before; it's nothing new. Now it's just a matter of when. It's just a matter of how long. Where will I disappear to?